Just checking if anyone's paying attention...
Page Last updated 9/19/00
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English units, here are some useful English system conversions.
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong
364.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon
1000 aches:
1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line
(think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers:
1 pound cake
2000 mockingbirds:
two kilomockingbirds
10 cards:
1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs:
1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks:
1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish:
1 microfiche
1 trillion pins:
1 terrapin
10 rations:
1 decoration
100 rations:
1 C-ration
2 monograms:
1 diagram
8 nickels:
2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:
1 I.V. League
100 Senators:
Not 1 decision
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The receptionist says to him: "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but we have a problem. Your wife's test got mixed up with those of another Mrs. Smith, we don't know which one has Aids and which one has Alzheimer's."
"My God," said Mr. Smith, "what are we going to do?"
"Well," said the receptionist, "I would suggest that you drive your wife to the center of town, and if she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it exhausted memory space leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also noticing that Wife 1.0 is launching Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable RAM.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product specs/documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity.
Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and PubNite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, causing the system to lock up when launched (even though these apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Sister-in-Law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button. * A minimize button * An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option of uninstalling at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources. * An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I had found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
************** BUG WARNING ****************
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming insufficient resources. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer (such as LapLink) between the two systems.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. "Look", he explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This offer gets the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word; she reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and every friend he knows. All to no avail. After several hours of work, he finally gives up. The lawyer wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, says, "Hey wait just a minute. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Without saying a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
3. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
4. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
5. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
6. Money can't buy happiness. But, it sure makes misery easier to live with.
7. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
8. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
16. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
18. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
19. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
22. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
25. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
26. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
27. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
29. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
30. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
31. Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
32. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
33. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
34. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
35. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to a dog, complain about her house training.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct.95.
***********************************
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.
***********************************#1. Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2. Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
#1. This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2. No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1 THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS MISSOURI; WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
** From an Ex-Field Sales/Support Survivor: **
----------------------------------------------------------I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
A Redneck's perspective of computer terms:
LOG ON
making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF
don't add no mo' wood
MONITOR
kepping an eye on the woodstove
DOWNLOAD
gettin the farwood of the truk
MEGA HERTZ
when yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISK
whacha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM
that thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE
gettin home in the winter time
BYTE
whut them dang flys do
CHIP
munchies fer the tv
MICRO CHIP
whut left in the munchie bag
MODEM
whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX
old Dan Matirx's wife
MAIN FRAME
holds up the barn ruf
ENTER
notherner talk fer, C'mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY
when ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yer wife ask
CACHE
needed when ya run out of food stamps
TERMINAL
time to call the undertaker
CRASH
when you go to Junior's party uninvited
DISKETTE
female disco dancer
FAX
what you lie aboout to the IRS
HACKER
uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
MAC
big Bubba's favorite fast food
SUPERCONDUCTOR
Amtrak's employee of the year
There was this not too bright farmer whose pigs were not reproducing. Since he wanted more pigs, he called a vet and asked what he should do. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. Not wanting to appear stupid, the farmer answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on the meaning of artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean HE had to impregnate the pigs.
So he loaded them all in his pickup, drove down to the woods and did them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be laying down rolling in the mud. But when he looked out the window, none of them were laying down.
So he loaded them into his pickup again, drove them to the woods and did them all again. To his dismay, they were all standing the next morning. So again he loaded the pigs in his truck, drove them to the woods and did 'em all one more time.
By the next morning the farmer was dead tired, so he asked his wife to look out the window and tell him what the pigs were doing. She said, "Hmmm, that's weird, they're all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.The girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies, politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father,
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it exhausted memory space leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also noticing that Wife 1.0 is launching Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable RAM.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product specs/documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity.
Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and PubNite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, causing the system to lock up when launched (even though these apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Sister-in-Law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.
- A minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option of uninstalling at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I had found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
************** BUG WARNING ****************
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install at all, claiming insufficient resources. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer (such as LapLink) between the two systems.
Managers may skip this next one if they're so inclined.
Wanna be manager? Do you have the right qualifications? let's find out :)
The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the manager".
The feet said, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get man in position to do what the brain wants him to do, I should be the manager".
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the manager".
The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, etc., I should be the manager".
And so it went on - the heart, the lungs, the ears, etc., and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it should be the manager. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the very idea of asshole being manager.
Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish, the feet were too weak to walk and the hands hung simply at the sides. The lungs and heart struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be the manager, and so it happened. All the body parts did all the work and the asshole just supervised and passed out a load of shit.
The moral of this story is:
"You don't have to be a brain to be a manager - just an asshole!"
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and yells at the instructor, "You asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"
There were two gentleman playing golf one sunny day, when a funneral service came passing by. The first gentleman stopped playing, took off his hat and placed it next to his chest. Well, the second gentleman replied; "That has got to be the most respecting thing that I have ever seen you do". The first gentleman looked over to his friend and said, "We've been together for 30 years, I owed her that much
An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, coming to read the meter. "Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."
- Billiam Coronel"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance